The Flea Files
by Shikala
Summary: My three theories on Flea's gender in story form. Fixed format!
1. One

The seven-year-olds, Janus, Slash and Flea, nearly ran Ozzie over one day, while chasing each other around, arguing about something. Flea was crying, Janus and Slash were taunting her.   
Ozzie intervenes, "Boys, stop it! Flea, what's wrong?"   
Flea sniffles and looks up, "They made a club just for boys, but they said I can't be in it!"  
Ozzie replies, "You're a girl, deal with it."   
"No! I wanna be a boy!" She begins crying harder.   
"You're a girl!" Janus taunted, sticking out his tongue.   
"I'm a boy and I'll prove it!" Of course when she said, "prove it," she meant by actions. Slash challenged her to a fight. For a good portion of the fight they were evenly matched. Flea eventually got the upper hand, as endurance was her strong point, and she finally knocked Slash down flat on his back.   
"See, I told you!" She taunted, flexing her arm muscle.   
"Alright, Flea beat you. Can she be a boy now?" Ozzie, not being one for parenting skills, posed.   
"Fine, you're a boy now, happy?" Janus spat back, helping Slash back to his feet. With her arms crossed over her chest, she sighed and said, "Yes." 


	2. Two

Theory Two  
  
It started with a simple enough question: "Ozzie, am I a girl or a boy?"   
Ozzie, being the ass that he is says, "I don't raise girls. I only raise men! Don't go pulling any girl stuff on me!"   
"But, Janus and Slash said I'm a girl."  
"They wouldn't know a girl if one cleaned for them. I want the three of you to be strong men when you grow up, so don't kill each other, but don't be afraid to fight, either."  
"Okay." Flea wandered off to go tell her 'siblings' that they were wrong, so there. She never gave it another thought, even when she was fifteen.   
"Janus, you bastard, give me my damn towel!"   
"Come and get it, 'princess!'" Janus ran through the living room, jumping the couch, and landed on the bed in Slash's room.   
"Don't CALL me that!" She yelled.   
"What the hell's going on?" Asked Slash, looking up from his drummer magazine.   
"Playin' with Flea, that's all." Said Janus with a smirk and holding up the towel.   
Flea screamed as she stomped into Slash's room, stark naked and dripping wet. "Take this!" She shook her head violently, much as a dog would, and proceeded to get water on everything in Slash's room: the TV, video game consoles, magazine collection, comic collection, CD's, stereos, everything. Long hair was a beautiful thing.   
"NO! Flea! I have really expensive shit in here! Janus, dammit, why did you have to come in here?!"   
"No reason." Janus said as he resumed running away from a wet, cold, naked, and pissed-off Flea. 


	3. Three

Theory Three  
  
Janus, Slash, Ozzie, and Flea stood in a wide circle, all facing each other. Ozzie was the leader/referee. "I don't want any cheating this time! If you can win fairly, then, I will let you cheat, alright?" The other three grumbled in accordance. "Okay, GO!" The next event was pretty much an explosion of color and effects, and in fact, someone cheated.   
"OW! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Pain! I am in fucking PAIN!" Flea finished off the rant with a piercing scream as he hit the floor. A sickly green light emanated from his body for a minute before disappearing completely.   
"What happened to me?" He blinked as he got up.   
"Wow, Flea, you've got boobs." Slash stated.   
"It's... a good look for you..." Janus snickered.   
"Huh?" Flea looked down at his body and shrieked. "Janus! Slash can't do this! What did you DO?"   
"I did try... this time..." Slash put in, bewildered. "But, I thought Janus would go for Ozzie again!"   
"Well, he didn't!" Flea was about to rip their heads off.   
"Oh, chill out, it's not like you had a date, anyway." Ozzie put in, grinning/smirking.   
"Shut up, ass hole. Slash, help me out of these clothes, would you? It hurts!" While Flea spilled out of her too-tight clothes, Janus threw his cloak to her.   
"Here," he smirked. "Cover up." She stuck her tongue out at him as she put it on. After a pause she said,  
"Alright, boys, who wants to do some clothes shopping?" 


End file.
